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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26821783">If The World Was Ending</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Berytni/pseuds/Berytni'>Berytni</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Law &amp; Order: SVU</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/M, Feel-good, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, Idiots in Love, Mutual Pining, Rollisi Family Fluff, Romance, Slow Burn, tbh</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 10:20:13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>7,753</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26821783</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Berytni/pseuds/Berytni</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Carisi stopped being a detective in time to work from home as an ADA, but his old partner reaches her breaking point after arresting a suspect with COVID symptoms. The Pandemic changed New York, and it would forever change their relationship.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr./Amanda Rollins</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>128</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hi hello, here’s the quarantine/pandemic fic I said I wouldn’t write but then spent a month drafting. It definitely runs on the feel-good side. Enjoy!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It had been a month since ADA Carisi stepped foot in his office, the New York Supreme Court House, or the SVU squad room. Jury trials were put on hold due to the pandemic and arraignments were done virtually, but sex crimes and arrests prevailed. Despite the turmoil of infectious disease, there were still victims, and in many cases, sheltering at home extrapolated circumstances of the city’s most vulnerable. Carisi had an easy time working from his apartment, but the detectives who built his cases didn’t have that luxury.</p><p>When Detective Rollins called on a cloudy Tuesday morning, he expected to get an update about a case they were working on. He’d been nursing a cup of coffee, the homebrewed liquid slowly losing its warmth, still in sweatpants and a T-shirt, not expecting to be on a video conference until later.</p><p>He sat forward on the couch and put his phone to his ear. “Hey Rollins, what’cha got for me?”</p><p>“Oh...hi, uh, nothing, really,” she said, caught off guard by him getting straight to business. They were friends. If the timing had ever been right, they could have been more.</p><p>What he didn’t, and couldn’t, know was that from the women’s bathroom of the precinct, she stood locked in a stall, leaned against the flimsy metal wall, and wiped away remnants of tears.</p><p>“I wanted to go to your office, but I remembered you’re not there.”</p><p>“Yeah,” he chuckled, sitting back. “Haven’t been.”</p><p>“Yeah.”</p><p>It was hard to read her through the phone. “You...alright?”</p><p>“What? Yeah.”</p><p>“So you called me to say, what, you’re fine?”</p><p>Her eyes began to water again. Not wanting to give her tears the gratification of falling down her cheeks once more, she looked up to blink them back.</p><p>“Can you meet me somewhere? Just like...five minutes, socially distanced, all that crap?”</p><p>He’d only left his apartment for necessities in the last month. He was nervous just doing that, but he couldn’t express that to someone who had to continue their job in the field like everything was normal. They talked every day, but haven’t communicated in a while like how friends, how almost lovers, should.</p><p>“Sure, Rollins,” he solemnly committed.</p><p>They agreed to meet by the river in Battery Park around lunch. Restaurants were carry-out only. It was near impossible to get coffee anywhere. New York wasn’t New York anymore. Nothing was the same anymore.</p><p>Every day Rollins lived with the fear of contracting the virus and passing it on to her daughters, but that morning it became real when she arrested a suspect who couldn’t stop coughing. “Allergies”, he said, but they had no way of confirming that in the moment. She had a face mask on, she cuffed him wearing rubber gloves, and did all the right things, but once back at the station, she excused herself to the bathroom.</p><p>It brought her back to Sonny’s first month at SVU when they handled the Measles outbreak at Tribeca High School brought on by an underage sex game. He asked her to feel his forehead and she teased him, pretending to find red spots on the face of the vaccinated grown man at his desk. All things considered, he was better off at home, but she liked to think it would all be easier with him by her side. It always had been.</p><p>With the afternoon, the sky remained gray but not enough for rain. Rollins left the precinct early, picking a spot to watch the water of the Hudson River splash against the concrete below. Alone and far from other park goers, leaning in against the black railing, she wanted to remove her face mask, close her eyes, and pretend for a moment it was any given day a year ago.</p><p>“Betta’ be careful. April’s a little early for a swim.”</p><p>Rollins picked her body up, not noticing him approach prior. She was easy to find, the bright yellow lettering on her NYPD windbreaker similar to one he once wore. Carisi leaned his side into the railing, his arms crossed loosely over his chest. She couldn’t see him smile, but the black mask over his nose and mouth didn’t cover his eyes.</p><p>She sighed and returned her gaze forward, looking across the state line at Jersey City instead of down at the water. He turned in towards the railing and subconsciously copied her position, forearms perpendicular to the barrier.</p><p>“Thanks for meeting me,” she softly said.</p><p>“Sure, yeah. It’s kinda nice to get out.”</p><p>“How’s that going?”</p><p>“Working from home? S’okay. Not a lot for me to do. It gets kinda...lonely.”</p><p>He wanted to say he missed her. With her silence, he worried he had been insensitive to her working long hours at the precinct. He uncomfortably shuffled in place, resisting stepping up closer to her. The recommended distance to keep wasn’t any more than he was tall, but she felt miles apart.</p><p>“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean-”</p><p>Rollins shook her head. “It’s not you.”</p><p>“Well, that’s a first.”</p><p>She let out a single breathy laugh. “How about that.”</p><p>A gust of wind picked up the long bangs around her face not collected in the elastic behind her head. She reached up to tuck the strands behind her ears, glancing at him through the frame her arm created.</p><p>“Everything is just...everything is just awful, Carisi, you know? Before I called you we arrested this guy. He was sick. We don’t know with what. I got Jesse and Billie at home waiting for me. I’m afraid to hold them, kiss them goodnight...even more than I have been. My nanny’s doing the best she can, but she can’t live with us and frankly, I couldn’t afford that if she could.”</p><p>Rollins gave up on taming her hair and gripped the top railing with her hands. The friction of her skin made a gritty sound against the metal. He didn’t know what to say. It bothered Carisi how she only came to him when it felt like the world was ending. Between his career change and the current events, had they fallen apart that much?</p><p>“Let me help.”</p><p>“What could you possibly do?”</p><p>“I can work anywhere. Why don’t I stay with you a little bit? Give you a break,” he thought out loud. “Like when Jesse was born.” Like when he fell in love with her and a child he didn’t father.</p><p>She shook her head. “You’re safer at home, no. Sonny, I could be carrying it now.”</p><p>She wasn’t wrong. His skin crawled and he resisted the urge to reach into his jacket for the little bottle of hand sanitizer nestled in his pocket. A seagull's cry crescendoed above them.</p><p>“You’re already careful, right? Who’s gonna help you if you’re really sick?”</p><p>“I...I can’t ask that of you.”</p><p>“I’m offerin’.”</p><p>“You’re not freaked out?”</p><p>“I mean honestly, yeah...a bit. You know how bad this all has to be for us Catholics to close church?”</p><p>She huffed. Her phone rang. It was work, but she let it ring. Another person at home she could get sick wasn’t what Rollins needed. If something happened to him because of her, she’d never forgive herself, but she was equally terrified of the alternative. Maybe having a clean, quarantined, set of hands around would help protect her daughters and give her a peace of mind with the uncertainty her earlier arrest brought.</p><p>“Okay. Yeah, okay, we’ll give it a try,” she said, standing up straight. “I gotta go.”</p><p>He too picked himself up from the railing and faced her. “Build a good case for me.”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“Neva’mind. What, you want me over tonight?”</p><p>“Sure. I guess? I don’t know. Just text me, okay?”</p><p>“Yeah. Alright, I will.”</p><p>The corners of her mouth twitched, not that he could see. She closed her eyes and hung her head for a moment. He wanted to reach out and touch her. Did any of the precautions matter? He’d be sharing the same air in her home later. Rolins took a deep breath and picked up her head to look him in the eyes, thankful, before leaving him alone on the pier. She had stopped herself from touching his arm, and it felt unnatural. </p><p>Carisi didn’t stay in the park long without her. He went home, scrubbed his hands clean, and did a series of virtual arraignments. Everything else was a waiting game. There was no trial preparation and no grand juries, but he tried to keep organized for the inevitable. The work he’d avoided with a limited court system would eventually catch up with him. He’d get that same strained look in his eyes as Amanda did. He worried about her and seeing those eyes made him realize he should have been worried sooner. Rollins was never the type to ask for help, but he was blinded by the privilege of staying home. There was no break between trials where he could pull her aside, take a lap outside the courthouse, and maybe then she’d tell him what was wrong. He couldn’t see her struggle, he couldn’t intervene, and she was too proud.</p><p>
  <em>&gt;I’ll come around 8</em><br/>
<em>&gt;Be safe</em>
</p><p>Rollins never responded because it wasn’t something she could promise. They knew each other well enough that if she didn’t want him over, she’d tell him. Still, the idea of it all made her uncomfortable, but there was no avoiding her circumstances. Any other way, she’d enjoy the company. Her girls loved him. She wasn’t sure how she loved him. That wasn’t important.</p><p>Deciding to leave his bubble felt like the right thing to do, but it also created a heaviness in his chest. His generosity was compromising, but he hated the thought of her scared and alone, sick at home with what made Manhattan run out of hospital beds.</p><p>It was just before 8:00 pm when he knocked on her door. The clouds from earlier grew heavy with rain as the sun set. Carisi thought he had everything, even too much, but it didn’t cross his mind to bring an umbrella to shelter in place, and he got caught in the downpour. Rollins opened the door and he bashfully chuckled at his trenched state. She quietly moved aside to let him in.</p><p>“Whew, let me tell ya, it came out of nowhere,” he said, putting down his damp backpack and briefcase by the door before peeling away the face-covering that stuck to his skin.</p><p>Rollins looked away and shifted her weight uncomfortably, keeping her distance. “Are you sure about this?”</p><p>“I’m here aren’t I?”</p><p>Water dripped down his forehead so he pushed his overgrown hair back. She swallowed hard before nodding. “Stay there.”</p><p>Keeping her arms folded, Rollins turned into her apartment and walked to the hall closet and grabbed a towel. She listened for signs of stirring from Jesse and Billie who had been put to bed by her nanny who stayed late. Sonny remained in the doorway and she held out the towel to him from an arms distance.</p><p>“Thanks,” he grinned, patting his neck with the blue fabric.</p><p>His warm smile put her at ease. She stayed angled by his shoulder and blinked slowly before tapping a fold on the sleeve of his damp jacket with her knuckle. Thunder rumbled in the distance. “Here, let me take this.”</p><p>The brown leather had mostly protected his casual shirt underneath. He remained chipper handing it off to her and she moved to drape it over the back of a chair in the kitchen.</p><p>“I’m happy you’re here,” Rollins said, finding comfort in smoothing the shoulders of the familiar garment. “Nervous, but happy. I’ve...missed you.”</p><p>He stopped patting the rain out of his hair. “Yeah?”</p><p>She wouldn’t have said it if she wasn’t okay with him reading deeper into the sentiment. He tried not to, but his jacket was soaking wet and cold and she continued to hold on to it affectionately. It was the one he had worn the first time his heart really broke over her because, that night in West Virginia, she took off someone else’s jacket instead.</p><p>Carisi hung the towel around his neck, holding onto both ends as he stepped into the kitchen. “I should’ve come sooner.”</p><p>She watched him carefully. “Not too...close.”</p><p>His feet came together suddenly and he unintentionally sighed, remembering.</p><p>“Just for now. My last test was negative. I feel fine, but we had to send the perp I arrested today to the hospital.”</p><p>“Yeah, Liv told me.”</p><p>They were both quiet.</p><p>“I should...finish setting up the couch for you,” she finally said.</p><p>Rollins took her hands from the back of the chair and walked around Carisi to leave the kitchen. He turned his head as she disappeared to take clean blankets from her bedroom closet. For a moment, he lingered before turning in the opposite direction to the living room.</p><p>He was well acquainted with Rollin’s couch. Sonny emptied his pockets on the side table and gave a final pat of his head with the towel before laying it over the arm of the couch. A bottle of hand sanitizer caught his eye on the coffee table. He leaned at the waist to push down on the pump and stood up straight to rub the clear gel into his hands. It burned a papercut on his index finger and the alcohol filled his nose.</p><p>“I’m sorry I don’t have a better set up,” she said, remerging with folded blankets held by her thighs. She walked to the opposite end of the couch from where he stood and placed them by the pillows she left earlier. “You’d think I would for you by now.”</p><p>“Ah, don’t sweat, ‘Manda. This is great, thanks.”</p><p>He’d sleep on the floor if she asked.</p><p>“Sure.”</p><p>She thought about how warm he would make her sheets, even damp from the rain, and how maybe if the circumstances were different, she’d invite him.</p><p>“You goin’ to bed soon?” He asked.</p><p>“I don’t sleep too well these days,” she said, holding her wrist in the opposite hand.</p><p>He bit the inside of his cheek. “I was gonna organize some files on my laptop. Sit with me a bit? Grab a chair or somethin’?”</p><p>The corners of her mouth raised slightly. “Okay.”</p><p>Her sliver of a smile made everything worth it.</p><p>Carisi brought his belongings over to the couch as she borrowed a chair from the kitchen. He sat down on the center of the couch and opened his laptop on the coffee table. Across the room in the narrow apartment, she gently placed the four legs of the chair on the ground. She sat down, crossed her legs, and leaned angled into the backrest to rest her cheek in her hand. Hunched over, the computer screen reflecting in his eyes, Carisi looked up at her. She was tired but effortlessly beautiful.</p><p>“I’ve missed you, too.”</p><p>He had often saved busy work to keep him company once the sun went down, but that was before she called him. The sliver returned and her face fell deeper into her hand as he shot her a quick grin. They shared a moment of peace before he returned his gaze down. The rain continued to patter against the windows, and she listened to the click-clack of his fingers against the keyboard. Rollins made it to his office after all.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Each morning Rollins walked through his office, his bedroom, to get ready for work. He’d stir awake around the same time when the sun rose and he’d watch her with sleepy eyes for a minute before getting up. His bones cracked every time he stretched his back out. The couch was rougher on his body than he remembered, but that was all relative.</p><p>Before Sonny became ADA Carisi, he’d make breakfast for Rollins' daughters. It was the kind of stuff her momma would only make when they had company over for appearances, but on a weekday, because he wanted to, and it gave her a ping of hope to take with her to the city streets. </p><p>She didn’t expect Carisi to be a babysitter. Her nanny still drove over from Queens, but there were no late nights or overtime, and she’d leave as the lawyer's day wound down. Jesse started preschool the fall before New York shut down. Sometimes she’d sit and “work” with him, propped up on the coffee table with educational activity books. He liked feeling like a stay at home dad, someone’s husband, the life he fantasized in his head so many times.</p><p>Rollins forgot how nice it was to have him around - an extra hand, someone to talk to. She also had forgotten how lonely she had become, but it was a numbness that took a back seat even before the pandemic.</p><p>When she’d returned home, her apartment would smell of butter and garlic, like Carisi wasn’t an ADA at all and spent his days in her kitchen. She was only the wiser because they worked together. He got overzealous, missing his family and cooking for one for far too long.</p><p>After a couple of nights, she thanked him for ordering food for her fridge and wanting nothing in return, with takeout from their go-to Chinese place. Rollins picked up their dinner on her way home and that was the most she touched of it, making Carisi unpack everything and make little plates for the girls. Changing her clothes and washing her hands never felt enough.</p><p>“Your mom and I used to eat this every week, can you believe that?”</p><p>How effortlessly he made being happy look while talking with a pair of wooden chopsticks, sitting at the kitchen table with her daughters as Rollins ate from afar leaned against the counter. She had no idea if her distance made a difference, but it gave her a tiny sense of control. It had been two days since she called him, and this is how they lived.</p><p>“Mama, come sit with us,” Jesse wined.</p><p>“Maybe later, baby.”</p><p>Her phone rang from the other room. She put her plate down and attended to the device. It was her mother and Amanda would have preferred a call from her Captain instead, or anyone, really. It started civilly, but from the kitchen, Carisi heard the level of her voice rise, a furry he’d been on the other end of many times before. She was muffled enough where Jesse and Billie weren’t alarmed, so he did his best not to draw attention to the conversation across the apartment.</p><p>Rollins wasn’t on the phone long. She stormed back into the kitchen, quiet like a bomb waiting to go off. He stirred at his food for a moment before turning his chair out from the table.</p><p>“Wanna...talk about that?”</p><p>“My mom’s going to a big wedding this weekend in Atlanta. A wedding,” she said, shaking her head. “It’s incredible, she doesn’t believe in any of this, says I’m overreacting. I couldn’t keep talking to her.”</p><p>Carisi pursed his lips in sympathy. Billie dropped a handful of lo-mein on the ground and Frannie trotted over to gobble it up. Being a mother, being a daughter, made her head spin.</p><p>“Amanda, you--”</p><p>“I’m gonna take a bath,” she sighed, closing her eyes, and holding her temples. “Can you handle all this?”</p><p>“Y-yeah, sure. You...good?”</p><p>“I’m good,” she said, putting her plate in the sink. Rollins stopped by his shoulder for a moment and second-guessed taking time for herself.</p><p>“I got it,” he confirmed.</p><p>She looked back at her girls. “Mama will be back. Be good for Un...Sonny. Be good for Sonny, okay?”</p><p>Carisi twisted his torso to watch her disappear down the hallway. A warmness grew in his chest, and he breathed deeply into it, unsure of why being just “Sonny” made his heart flutter. He sat back in his chair and for a second forgot about the two little blonde girls staring at him. The splat from Billie continuing to drop noodles on the floor brought him back to Earth.</p><p>“Billie, stop,” her sister complained.</p><p>“Oh, s’alright,” Carisi said, standing up. “Jess, why don’t you go pick out some books for us to read, huh? Many as you want.”</p><p>The older of the two girls tilted her head in contemplation before nodding and hopping down from her seat.</p><p>He cleaned up the kitchen and packed up the leftovers to store in the fridge. Frannie tap-danced around him looking for another handout as he picked up Billie from the booster seat. He held the toddler on his hip and flicked off half of the lights that illuminated the kitchen and living room. They passed the bathroom door, closed, on the way to join Jesse in her bedroom. He heard the hollow sound of water against porcelain and Sonny tried to think of anything else but his best friend naked and wet on the other side.</p><p>Hearing footsteps, Rollins sunk deeper into the fragrant and hot sudsy water, letting her hair get wet. The steam rose around her and she breathed it in. She couldn’t remember the last time she drew a bath for herself.</p><p>Her home was quiet except for the Staten Island murmur across the hall. His voice used to irk her, how rusty and easily crass it could become, a caricature of a New York City detective. It was so familiar now, and more like good whisky - a quick burn, but otherwise velvet on the way down to create warmth from within. Maybe she wanted that voice quiet against her ear, his hands tangled in her wet hair and the lips that spoke kissing tenderly down her neck. She shook the thought out of her head and sunk deeper down into the tub.</p><p>When the water got cold, Rollins stepped out of the bath and wrapped herself in a short cozy robe. She rustled the extra moisture out of her hair, leaving her blonde strands stringy with a slight wave. Carsi’s voice had since stopped.</p><p>The bathroom door creaked when she opened it and she followed the beam of light from Jesse’s room, only slightly askew from where she stood across the hall. She stuck her head in the doorway, delicately touching the frame. Sonny sat with his back against the wall in Jesse’s twin bed, his legs parallel with the width of the mattress and long off the edge. Children’s books were lazily piled on his left, and on his right, a sleeping four-year-old nestled into his side. He picked his head up as Rollins crept in and leaned against the entryway.</p><p>Carisi glanced down with a grin before looking back at Amanda. He had put the baby to bed earlier. Jesse dozed off so slowly as he read to her and he held on to her company. How good he was with her daughters, a better father figure than she ever had because through all of the years of hot and cold, he remained. Rollins stayed by the door as he laid Jesse down, stood up, and tucked her under the covers before clearing the bed of their reading materials.</p><p>He turned to meet Amanda in the doorway. She took a couple of steps back into the hall as he turned out the light and partially closed the door behind him. Her back touched the wall and he suddenly became over aware of her bathrobe that stopped mid-thigh and the single twist that held it together.</p><p>Her eyes were soft. “Thank you.”</p><p>“Sure, yeah, of course,” he said, rubbing the back of his neck, averting his eyes slightly to avoid thinking about how soft she really was. She smelled sweet, flowery even.</p><p>“I’m gonna go lay down but...I’ll be up for a bit,” she said, looking down, putting her hands on her hips, and rocking on her heels.</p><p>“Alright, yeah, I was about to head out there,” he said, gesturing down the hall, the way he came, towards the living room.</p><p>He was subtle as a gun and couldn’t pick up on anything less despite only giving up his a year ago.</p><p>She looked up at him through her eyelashes before raising her head and bouncing it to the side. “I could use some company, Sonny.”</p><p>Her voice was sultry and Carisi nearly swallowed his tongue. The limits of her ambiguous request were unspoken but none of that was thought out. She acted on a feeling and he agreed with the same recklessness.</p><p>She spun around towards her bedroom and looked invitingly over her shoulder. “Just give me five minutes.”</p><p>Five minutes felt like five hours sitting on the couch. All he could do was sit there, fidget, and tap his phone screen to check the time. He didn’t know why he was nervous. Nothing changed. They spent time with each other every night. Sonny paced the living room twice before walking back down the hall.</p><p>Her bedroom door was open, but he knocked on the frame anyways before stepping inside. Rollins had since changed into striped lounge pants and a plain soft black T-shirt. He caught her hanging up the robe that had previously encased her. She walked over to the bed, folding her legs under her as she sat up against the headboard.</p><p>If she did get sick, they agreed this is where she would self-isolate. Thinking back on the conversation put a pit in his stomach and diminished the whimsicalness that brought him there. Watching him stand like a statue, haunted like a ghost, Rollins leaned diagonally across the bed and patted the corner furthest from her, an invitation.</p><p>Carisi swallowed hard. “You think that’s safe and all?</p><p>“The girls come in here,” she replied with a shrug, questioning it herself.</p><p>He clicked his tongue against the roof of his mouth before nodding to take the steps required to sit where her hand left an impression on the comforter. Rollins hugged her knees to her chest and looked away shyly. His feet stayed planted on the floor.</p><p>“I’ve never been anyone’s safe option, huh?”</p><p>Carisi let out a breathy chuckle, almost a sigh, and picked up his knees.</p><p>“Yeah,” he said, adjusting his position to lay back, his head at the foot of the bed. He crossed his ankles next to her hip and watched the ceiling fan above him spin. “But, I’ve always liked that about ‘cha.”</p><p>She hummed and looked into her lap, holding her legs tighter. A grin slowly appeared across her face as she tucked a damp strand of hair behind her ear. He stretched his right arm up and cradled the back of his head. Her eyes shifted up, following the straight outline of his body to watch him adjust his shoulders beneath him.</p><p>Amanda uncoiled her arms and touched his top ankle with the back of her hand, where the hem of his sweatpants met the black socks underneath. He tilted his chin down, catching her eyes. They were both so touch starved, it was special. She pulled away and used both hands to push her lower half down the bed to lie parallel with him.</p><p>They were quiet. He’d spent many nights with her, but never so intimately. Rollins wasn’t entirely sure she’d keep her distance, to find out if he still looked like a cop or a lawyer under that sweatshirt, if it wasn’t for his health. Then again, he’d be at his place if he wasn’t so willing to put her wellbeing over his own.</p><p>“Why me, Sonny?”</p><p>He paused to think even though he’d thought of his answer many times.</p><p>“Depends...why am I no longer Uncle Sonny?”</p><p>She sighed, only feeling open to the truth because she didn’t have to look at him. “You’re way too good of a man to be my blood, and I don’t think that I...think of you like a brother.”</p><p>His heart pounded. “What am I then?”</p><p>“I asked first.”</p><p>“Alright. Alright, well, I don’t know. I mean, besides the fact - you know, I see how other guys look at ’cha and--”</p><p>“But just other guys, right?”</p><p>“I…”</p><p>“Kidding,” she said, looking around at the ceiling. She punished him for being vulnerable out of the old habit to guard herself.</p><p>He swallowed hard. “I get this feelin’ around you like I’m a little more complete. I’d do anything for you, and Jesse, and Billie. I used to think we were just good partners, but I always wanted a family...my sisters, they’ve all got kids and I think...God gave me you.”</p><p>She never felt like someone’s blessing, only a burden, but he never thought so.</p><p>“Sounds more like love than like,” Rollins lightly teased, another wall because her heart swelled.</p><p>“Well, I neva’ said it wasn’t.”</p><p>She sighed. “And neither...did I.”</p><p>He heard her, but processed it slowly, reading between the lines. Carisi sat up, his legs ajar, elbows atop his knees. “Amanda…”</p><p>She stayed on her back and blinked up at the ceiling a couple of times before finding his eyes and nodding. He looked so happy, truly happy, and not just for her sake.</p><p>With nothing else they could do, Sonny laid back once again and folded his hands on his stomach. He knew he couldn’t sleep there, but he closed his eyes anyways and took in the distanced company of the woman who loved him.</p>
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<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This took me longer to finish than anticipated whoops - thanks for your patience and enjoy!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It was easy for Amanda to dismiss her love for Sonny and blame the night before on loneliness, but her affection had been unacknowledged and misplaced for a long time. For the danger she sought in others, he was what scared her the most. Good things don’t last for her, but he was her partner and she was fine, him right beside her again.</p><p>Rollins had good news to bring home with the uncertainty the week had brought. It was work-related, so Carisi likely knew already, but also personal. She could be a little less careful.</p><p>When she arrived home, Carisi was on the phone pacing her living room in a button-down shirt roughly tucked into his sweatpants. He sounded frustrated. His free hand swung like a conductor trying to keep time with an orchestra five bars ahead. He barely noticed her come in, so Rollins tossed her face mask and snuck away to wash her hands and change her clothes.</p><p>Her nanny had left already. Billie was in a bouncy chair in the living room, the office, and she found Jesse playing with her dolls in her bedroom. Once clean, Amanda visited with her oldest daughter and sat on the floor to stroke her long blonde hair until the apartment was quiet.</p><p>Rollins stood up and walked back down the hall. Carisi was off the phone, but still deeply engrossed in work, hunched into his computer from the couch.</p><p>“Hi...I’m sorry…” he said, briefly looking up at her. An emergency hearing broke up his quiet Friday. He finished an email before plopping back against the couch and ran his hands down his face.</p><p>“That’s a good look for you,” she commented, stepping up to the couch and eyeing his torso from the collar of his shirt down to where it was half-tucked into the elastic over his hips.</p><p>They hadn’t expanded on the conversations from last night. His hands plopped down to the couch cushions. He tried to look annoyed, but he was too happy to see her.</p><p>“Heard your arrest with the cough tested negative.”</p><p>Rollins smiled and looked down. “Yeah, but you know what, he’s probably not even our guy.”</p><p>“Well, I’ll take the good news,” he said, standing up from behind the coffee table. “That means you’re in the clear, right? You’re not contagious, sick, or anythin’?”</p><p>“In theory.”</p><p>He touched the top of her arm, looking to pull her in. “Ah, ‘Manda, that’s great.”</p><p>She hesitated. “I still have to be careful.”</p><p>“I know,” he lied.</p><p>She tilted her head side to side before stepping up to him. Their toes met and she touched his side. “No asking if I can feel your forehead later.”</p><p>Carisi laughed and threw his arms around her shoulders before either of them second-guessed it. Her hands molded tightly over his back and he closed himself fully around her, dancing with his feet to recenter his gravity.</p><p>She was small but never fragile. On the couch behind them, every night before he went to sleep, he asked God to keep Amanda safe. Prayer was never wasted, but it was nice to be heard.</p><p>He laced his fingers through her hair and tenderly kissed the top of her head. Rollins quietly smiled, it was sweet and she liked it. They mutually pulled apart, but Carisi kept her at arm's length, holding on to her by his fingertips. He wanted more and she stared up at his mouth and reminded herself how selfish it would be to count his teeth with her tongue.</p><p>A wail from Billie in the corner stopped him from pulling her back. He lingered a second but returned his arms to his side to let her go. It was a convenient rejection Rollins wasn’t sure she could have initiated herself.</p><p>“Baby girl, I’ve missed you,” she said, picking up the two-year-old, the first time she let herself in days. The toddler continued whimpering but calmed down as her mother snuggled and swayed her.</p><p>A ping from Carisi’s laptop caught his attention, and Amanda waited for him to finish up the day, bouncing and smiling with Billie around the living room. She had her father’s eyes, blue, but grayer than her Mother's.</p><p>“I think Al knew before I did,” she chuckled. “I was in labor, and he was so threatened by you being there first he had to propose.”</p><p>Carisi closed his laptop from a stand and undid the buttons of his shirt around his neck. “Me? The guy had everything.”</p><p>“And I still didn’t love him,” she shrugged, stroking her baby’s hair.</p><p>He continued to undress and held the fitted shirt in front of him, fidgeting with the smooth fabric. “Well, I loved you. My...heart really broke that day, Amanda.”</p><p>What he didn’t tell her was that after leaving her at the hospital, he drove to Staten Island and sat with his mom on their floral plastic covered couches from the ’80s in silence for hours.</p><p>Rollins stilled. He felt a little embarrassed, and the memory formed a knot in his stomach. He pretended nothing was wrong and changed into the T-shirt he had on earlier.</p><p>“Anyways, you hungry? I didn’t get a chance to start anything but we still have leftovers from last night. I’ll heat a couple of plates for us all?”</p><p>She blinked and smiled softly. “That’s fine, Sonny.”</p><p>He nodded and turned towards the kitchen. There was sadness in his gait. Rollins got a lump in her throat, remembering asking him to stay with her, and he did. Twice. She followed shortly with Billie in her arms and placed her in the booster seat at the kitchen table before calling to Jesse that they’d be eating soon.</p><p>Plates clacked against the countertop, not aggressively so, but enough to make his silence stick out like a sore thumb. She stepped up next to him and Carisi stopped what he was doing and looked down at her as she searched for the right thing to say.</p><p>“Dominick...”</p><p>“You know, I shouldn’t have said that...it wasn’t fair, I’m sorry.”</p><p>“I don’t think I deserve you.”</p><p>He was quiet for a second. “Are you happy? You know...all things considered.”</p><p>“I am.”</p><p>The knot turned into butterflies and he resumed portioning orange chicken out of the white takeout container. “Then you have everything you deserve.”</p><p>Rollins shook her head and fought back a smile. She patted his shoulder a couple of times before squeezing it to turn back towards the table.</p><p>Amanda sat with her family for dinner and cut bite-sized pieces for Billie as she ate, just like before the big scare that ironically brought them all together. She knew it wouldn’t be the last, and at any time she was at risk, but her diligence had kept her home safe up to that point.</p><p>She allowed herself to be a mother again and Carisi took a step back from the responsibilities he’d acquired because of fear, but when it was bedtime for the girls, she insisted he read to them like the night everything changed. This time, she sat with him, holding her youngest in her lap. His voice was engaging and his smile bright as his eyes shifted from the book pages to Amanda and her daughters.</p><p>They left Jesse’s room together, coming to the fork in the road. He wanted to kiss her so badly. In a new way, he could, and in a new way, he couldn’t.</p><p>“Bet there’s some pretty good bad TV on about now,” he said, tilting his head towards the living room. Their old past time.</p><p>She grinned. “Yeah, alright...but you gotta cut me off after a few, you know how invested I get.”</p><p>“I remember,” he chuckled, touching his hand between her shoulder blades as they walked together down the hall.</p><p>Rollins drifted into the kitchen as Carisi continued to the living room. He cleared the couch of his briefcase and tucked his computer away, not wanting to think about work until Monday and to make room for more than just him.</p><p>“Can I get you a drink?” she called from her tiptoes behind an open cabinet.</p><p>Any given Friday night months ago, the whole squad and he would be a couple of beers down at the usual bar. It had been even longer since it had been just the two of them. “Sure, Rollins,” he replied.</p><p>Her offerings were sparse. She washed her hands for safe measures and poured them each a couple of fingers of whiskey. She took a drink and smiled from behind the clear glass before placing an identical vessel for him on the coffee table. Hunched over, he took the drink in one hand as Rollins sat next to him.</p><p>He watched her until their eyes met. She tucked her bangs behind her ear and he playfully bumped his knee against her leg before sipping at the dark liquid. How long his hair had gotten in the back, like when they first met, but now much grayer. The glass became subject to her jealousy. She watched his Adam's apple bob and wondered if he had always been so nice to look at.</p><p>“We’ve been here so many times. Why is it suddenly so easy for me?” She asked, thinking out loud and into her drink.</p><p>His mouth twitched. “I’m less stupid now, maybe.”</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>“And you believed me? How stupid are you?”</em>
</p><p> </p><p>“You know I didn’t mean that.”</p><p>He fumbled with his glass. “Maybe I shoulda just kissed you then.”</p><p>“Like that’d help.”</p><p>“Well, you’d stop yellin’.”</p><p>Rollins shook her head and covered her grin with spirits. She savored the taste before exchanging her glass for the TV remote on the coffee table. He mimicked her and gingerly set down his drink. Upon deciding on a channel, one that plays reality TV around the clock, she slipped her hand around his bicep and pulled him to sit back with her. Their shoulders overlapped. She looked so pretty when she smiled, holding onto his arm like something to be proud of.</p><p>She remained reasonably close, only gradually sinking a little deeper into his side as they watched mindless television. Having played the best friend for so long, he second-guessed resting his hand on her thigh, but she liked the gentle figure eights he traced with his thumb. She liked him. She loved him. They’d been there so many times in his head and it was incredibly easy.</p><p>Carisi reached for his drink, highly engaged with the glowing screen in the otherwise dark room. His head tilted back as he downed the remainder of the brown liquor. He held the glass against his lips for a second before mindlessly returning it to the coffee table. Rollins’ eyes caught his movement which led her to a quiet double-take of the glass she'd be drinking out of now empty.</p><p>She felt her stomach drop. “Sonny.”</p><p>“Hm? Yeah?”</p><p>“Sonny, that was my glass,” she said, sitting up.</p><p>“Oh,” he chuckled. “Sorry.”</p><p>“No, that’s not…”</p><p>“Oh,” he breathed, and suddenly, Carisi didn’t know what to do with his hands. “Oh...uh, but you’re good, right? You’re fine...and...all that?”</p><p>“I haven’t felt sick and I don’t think I’ve been around anyone who is, but I...really don’t know.”</p><p>He took a deep breath. “Right.”</p><p>There was a shift in the tide. Rollins turned off the TV. He felt a growing heat in him, but he was just stable enough to know it was the liquor. The brave face was a mask he put on for her. She felt terrible for scaring him and tried to think rationally about it even with her heart pounding in her chest. They had probably been too close, to begin with, but that would have added fuel to the fire.</p><p>“You know it’s...it’s probably fine.”</p><p>Amanda leaned forward to get his attention, but he gulped and hung his head without looking at her. She had avoided touching his hands and face. A hug was one thing. A kiss felt out of the question, but now it was like she already had.</p><p>“Hey, look at me.”</p><p>She reached for his outward cheek and turned his head towards her. His eyes were heavy and they searched her face. She pulled herself close enough to feel him breathe.</p><p>“You’re going to be just fine.”</p><p>Her voice trailed off as she tilted her head to kiss him once - soft, sweet, and dry, and she pulled away slightly with a smile. His expression was still a moment, but he moved a hand to cup her face, and he met her in the middle to kiss her back. The first embraces were tender as they tested the waters and took in what each other felt like. Nothing else mattered.</p><p>Sonny returned his hand to her thigh, more confidently this time, and pulled it closer. He tasted like the drink that got them there in the first place, the tone of his voice against her tongue, and she was intoxicated. Her hand traveled to the nape of his neck and wove through the overgrown graying strands that under normal circumstances were shaved neatly close to the skin.</p><p>It sent a shiver down his spine. Carisi leaned into her and braced himself on the back of the furniture to bring a knee next to her hip and she melted back down the length of the couch. He kissed her all of the way down but gave her breathing room as she adjusted for comfort, their legs tangled behind them. As he was about to check if everything was okay, Amanda grabbed his face to swallow him whole.</p><p>It was the perfect distraction. There was always a chance that the physical connection wouldn’t be right despite his love for her, but she was even more pretty beneath him. She liked kissing Dominick more than she ever thought she would. It was exciting but grounded because it had always been him and she was home. There was lost time to make up for, Rollins felt like she owed him in a way for unconditionally loving her for years. She was terrible at words, and she’d forgive herself in time, but snaking her hand down his abdomen was a start.</p><p>He kissed her one more time, “I didn’t mean to...we don’t gotta rush anythin’.”</p><p>She stopped and drummed her fingers twice against his waistband.</p><p>“Don’t get me wrong, I...if that’s what you want, I’m so good, I’m cool with that but, I’m not goin’ anywhere. I’m havin’ fun just kissin’ ya, honest.”</p><p>Everything was new, he had no expectations, and even with a global pandemic, they weren’t exactly conventional. It was a reminder that he was different, but he wasn’t wrong - figuratively or physically.</p><p>“That’s right, you’re kinda stuck with me now, aren’t you?” she teased, glancing at the coffee table.</p><p>He shook his head. “I can’t believe I did that.”</p><p>The timing wasn’t right. She wiggled her hand out from underneath him and stroked his cheekbone instead. Carisi leaned his head into her hand and kissed her palm. She’d have to reel him back into reality eventually, but she enjoyed the normalcy of being in the same boat, no better or worse off, equals.</p><p>He rested his head on her chest, and for while in silence, they laid together. Her body fell asleep first, the weight of his numbing her legs, and she felt herself start to drift off, failing to conceal a yawn.</p><p>He raised his neck and stretched it to kiss her forehead before backing up off her. “I should let you get to bed before you take mine.”</p><p>Rollins grumbled, suddenly cold because the man who had blanketed her left to take their empty drinks to the kitchen. She stood up and stretched her limbs before lazily following him. The water ran. He washed the glasses, replaying, “you’re going to be just fine” in his head because he needed to hear it again.</p><p>Carisi left the kitchen sink. She stood up from her post in the hall to stop him from returning to the couch, to keep her sheets warm instead.</p><p>“Come on,” she said, tugging at his wrist, and then, in her way, inviting him to her bed, “you’re gonna have a hard time kissing me goodnight from the couch.”</p><p>It hadn’t even been a week since she called him, terrified, and he spent that first night in a long time curled up in the living room. Quarantined or not, he would have stayed as long as she needed. He had always been there for her, even at his expense, and she loved him for it before she knew what love should feel like. He taught her. He had her.</p><p>She pulled Sonny down the hall to kiss him again, but under the covers she confessed on top of the night before. Nothing was the same anymore. Their relationship wasn’t the same anymore, but they had until New York was New York again to figure it all out.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I don't think I'll have anything new before the new season, so I just wanted to say a huge thank you for reading and engaging with this, and anything else I've published for these two. See you soon xo</p>
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